I'm taking an Old Testament class on the Pentateuch, as I've mentioned before. So far, in the three weeks I've been in class, we've gotten a general outline of this part of Scripture, talked about the creation narratives, and briefly discussed Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, and Noah. Now we're getting into the stories surrounding Abram and Sarai.
One of the common themes when talking about these two characters is trust issues with God. God promises to Abraham that he and Sarah will have a child, and that Abraham's decendents will be numerous and prosperous. However, as these two continue to wander and grow old together, their trust in God is challenged and threatened. God's promises, though, can and should always be trusted, as difficult as that may be. Sarah, Abraham, and Isaac all felt the strain of the seemingly forgotten promises of God, and the stretched trust that they placed in their God. But God holds to God's covenants and promises, especially when it comes down to the wire and it becomes a kind of all-or-nothing situation.
In the almost month I've been here, I've had a rollercoaster time of trust with God. Before coming out here, I felt a deep drawing of myself to the Midwest. Ad my send-off really solidified that feeling when I was getting scared, anxious, and uncertain. Now as I begin working at a new church with new groups of youth, I worry that I won't be able to do my position as youth leader justice. Youth leaders must teach, encourage, challenge, support, discipline, outrage, provide, and guide youth in their complex, fluid, terrifying walk(s) with God. Am I really cut out for all of this? I know I can play games, read scripture, tell stories, and relate to youth, but can I really minister to them?
Like Abraham, I've been given a promise that God will bless me and the ministry I do for God. Christ promises to be with me, to reach down and lift me up in my darkest, deepest pits of dispair and distrust. The Holy Spirit promises to guide me, provide wisdom and discernment, and give me peace, patience, and joy to work with kids. And, again like Abraham, I feel tested and challenged over and over again. I don't want to fail my God and my supporters, but I know I can't do God's ministry on my own. My ministry is not worth beans (or corn, in this part of the country).
My ministry must be God's minsitry. My lessons must be Christ's Gospel. My joy must come from the Spirit. I won't be able to do any of this by myself. But handing the reigns to God is the most difficult part of my faith. I have theological knowledge, Biblical history, and program planning, but I know there's more. It's that more that I have trouble with. I trust it when things are going well, but will I be able to trust it when it comes down to my time to sacrifice my Isaac?
I hope and pray that all will be well, in my successes and failures. I know it'll be fine, but I want it to be great.
God, help me get over myself, my experiences, and my pride and just let you do your thing. Here's to you and not to me. Amen.
I'm excited to work with the kids here in MN, and I'm terrified of them at the same time. It might be a healthy fear, but it's a fear just the same. And yes, it's exactly what I signed up for when I came here, to be terrified, broken down and built back up. It'll all buff out.
Peace, patience, and joy.
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Remember Philippians 4:13 Kendall. While it's understandable to doubt oneself, I think you've shown a tremendous amount of faith leaving your home and family and traveling to someplace new. I pray that those strengths He's given you will sustain you and continue to encourage you.
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